That moment whenever you feel like complete and utter shit?
I feel like trying to make my emotional self happy to keep myself sane is too hard right now.
I can't take any more of this. It's not working for me.
I've tried to relationships with my parents and whatever, and completely bombed a quiz last night waiting up for some stupid ass to text me that never did.
Don't tell someone you have feelings for them and then sit there and post your shit on a dating website. That's what I don't understand.
I'm really emotional, and people don't get that, evidently. I'm way too emotional for my own good that I just keep blowing up at everyone lately. I feel like I should be totally focused on what I do at school, etc., but I seriously can't keep myself motivated.

I need help. A lot of help, but I know that I won't get it.
I also hate whenever you think you're friends with someone, but you're really not and they talk shit on you, and whatever. The fact of the matter is, people keep telling me to make friends. It's not that I don't have friends... I just don't have friends that I DO things with, which is the kind of friends I need to keep me sane. I have no social life here other than the random interaction with the gentlemen that hold the door open for me, and the five words exchanged during that scenario.

BUT SERIOUSLY.
I HATE LIFE RIGHT NOW.
AND I HATE SCHOOL.
AND I CAN'T DO THIS.

So Lord only knows how many people can see me type this right now, since I picked a rather awkward spot at the SSC. There is most definitely a girl sitting next to me that looks like she’s tripping on out SOME kind of drug, because every time I look at her she gets weirded out. There’s also another girl sitting next to me who’s tutoring a football player, and you can seriously tell that she’s trying to get laid by him hardcore. Oh round tables, how I never liked you.

Anyway, school has been pretty stressful here lately and my procrastination isn’t helping any with my homework issues and such. We have to do our homework for my nutrition class online through this website that our book provides access codes for and such. Well, my lucky ass got the shit-end of the deal, and my access code “wasn’t valid” for that course ID. Yeah, FML right? I spent almost three hours last night talking to the people at Pearson (the company that provides this) waiting to just take a quiz. On top of that, I have two tests and a paper due next Wednesday. Apparently they love to put everything on the same day, and I know it’s not going to be like high school where “omg, I have so many tests in another subject that day!” would work.

Okay. I’m getting weirded out by this girl looking at me every two seconds.

My boy situation hasn’t improved at all, either. AT ALL. After seeing him, I don’t think it improved any of our situations. All we did was have sex, and that was that. We didn’t talk about anything, at all, and we pretty much just acted like we were together just merrily going on a date and such. And it sucks. Because I know that we aren’t together, and it just seems like he doesn’t want to be with me. It sucks a lot, because he acted so much different BEFORE he saw me, and now that he’s seen me it’s like I’m a delusional sea monster. That’s all I can think about, is getting him, pleasing him, wanting him to be mine, and whatever. I know he probably has some other girl, and it’s stupid to sit around thinking that he doesn’t. He’s not the type of person to generally just “be single” and he told me that. Sure, he said that the other bitch was just “to make me jealous” and while it worked, I’m pretty sure there’s someone else that he’s just hiding because he knows it’ll piss me off and he’s just waiting until I do something idiotic to tell me. So that HE doesn’t have to look like the “bad guy” whenever I did nothing and he just fucked me for shits and giggles. I’m sorry I’m not the perfect person that can ~please him, but I sure as fuck tried for 8 months. Also the fact that his rude-ass informed me that “I didn’t learn how to suck dick after 8 months.” That’s because I don’t like it, and I never did it. I’m sorry that I have a small mouth, and it’s fucking difficult to do without almost making myself puke all over that person’s privates.

On a different note, since that subject just seems to piss me off, my nephew bit his tongue. Sounds stupid, because everyone bites their tongue, right? No. His teeth went through his tongue, and he had to get stitches. He can’t talk, and it’s so fucking sad. It made me want to cry seeing him, and I absolutely hate how much I miss at home with my little baby growing up so fast.

I like listening to depressing songs , because it’s like my life depends on that right now.  That and sleep are the only things that are making me feel better right now. Why? I don’t know, but I sleep way more than the average person SHOULD lately, and it’s probably because I wake up randomly in the middle of the night for reasons left unknown, although I wish I knew why. I also wish I was like most people who’re like “OH LAST CLASS OF THE DAY” at twelve. Ugh, bitches. I’m hungry , and I don’t have time to walk back to a dining hall and walk all the way back across campus, so I stocked up with cereal bars in my backpack today. Lol. MLIA.

It has been a week since I wrote the last thing that I did. Quite honestly, a lot of bullshit has happened since then, and I don’t know if you’d consider that good or bad. I’ve been trying to be okay, not crying about anything, and not talking about it. Talking about it only made me more upset, so I’m really glad that my parents and not very many of my family members brought it up over labor day weekend.

The last day of school (which would have been Friday, the first) was probably one of the worst days ever. It poured down rain, and I thought I would be perfectly okay with the umbrella that I had. I have ten minutes to get across campus from one quiz the another, and it was honestly the worst thing I possibly could’ve experienced at that point in time. I got to my last class, and not only were my legs soaked by that time from the downpour, but I opened my backpack and there was seriously a small little puddle of shit in there. EVERYTHING including my rented textbooks, my iPod, my student ID, notebooks with notes from my classes were in there. They were completely soaked, and water was coming out of my iPod’s speakers. Thank goodness that I didn’t have my computer at that point, because I would’ve been royally fucked. Needless to say, my umbrella was too small and the water just dripped off of IT onto my backpack. Then, I fell up the stairs and the people behind me just kept walking over my shit. It was SO cool. This one really nice girl came up and helped me and told me she was an air tripper, too, and fell up the stairs all the time and knew how I felt. Thank goodness for people like her. Then I got back to my dorm, and all I honestly wanted to do was go home PRONTO. Everyone and their mother were parked outside of my dorm where you load your stuff, too. It’s a 15 minute limit, but people were there for an hour, and the cops didn’t do anything. So I walked with a bunch of stuff about a mile to my car. In the pouring rain. Yeah, that sucked so much. I got home and put on a hoodie and just wanted to cry. I probably had the shittiest week that anybody could have had. My boyfriend had dumped me the previous week, and all of that shit kept happening. It wasn’t cool by any means.

After that, my weekend wasn’t all-too bad. We went shopping whenever I got home, and I got a ton of food, etc, that I seriously needed. The downside was that my nephew was loud as hell the entire weekend, and I was not fond of that by any means. My family has a tradition that every Labor Day they do “survivor”. I honestly hated competing all the time, because it got nasty and it was nothing exciting like people made it out to be. I was forced to participate after I was told by my uncle that “he knew I was a partier and would go get drunk and fuck random frat boys.” Yeah, real nice right? I thought so, too.  It wasn’t all too bad participating other than the fact that I almost puked watching my cousins sixteen year old girlfriend (my cousin is nineteen) sit on his lap every chance she got and hand rape him every time she stood up. It was quite disturbing, and is not necessary to do whenever the rest of your family around.

I came back to school yesterday morning, because I didn’t want to come back the day before seeing as the day before that, some girl got raped in a parking garage by the parking lot I park in. That made me super scared and terrified, and I figured 8 in the morning would be A LOT safer than 11 or 12 at night.  I slept for about an hour, and then went to class for 45 minutes. It was the easiest day ever. Went to eat (the nastiest) Chinese food, and then went to Wal-Mart with my friend to get the “much needed” food that I left (milk, string  cheese, and Nutella.) Then I went to eat some place on campus that I had never been before, and it was pretty good. Talked about stuff that sucked, and was interesting, and all-in-all, my day yesterday was pretty okay.

Until the night time.

I had figured that there was some other girl for my ex, because he never talked to me about any of it, and his feelings randomly changed for me in a matter of less than two hours. Sure, I texted him incessantly, almost constantly about the subject, but he was the only person that I could talk to about it. I didn’t have anybody who’d understand, and I was completely terrified to talk to my roommate about it, even though I knew that she probably could relate to what I was going through. There was this girl that he had been “friends” with who always posted statuses about this guy that would send her ‘cute text messages’ and that she ‘adored and really liked’ and such, but she always said that she couldn’t say who the person was. Then she changed her relationship status the day after he and I broke up, and I thought something was a little fishy… yeah his relationship status said “in a relationship,” too, but I figured he just hadn’t changed it from whenever he broke up. Until I physically read her comments saying who she was in a relationship with, and I just flipped fucking ass. I called one of my friends bawling my eyes out figuring that he had been with her the entire time we were together being the fact that that was whenever she had started talking about him. I was crying harder than I ever had about the situation, texted him and posted on his Facebook wall saying that he could go to hell because nobody deserved to be treated like that, that he clearly didn’t love me and I wasted 8 months of my life on stupid bullshit that I regretted so much, and wish I could take back. Sure, that might be a really bitchy thing to say, but he was mine…and it just wasn’t fair to treat someone like that and I thought he should know. I called him several names within those text messages, and he decided that he was going to do the same, really rude (while I was talking to my mother at this point in time, which is a rarity, because I never talk to my mother about my relationship problems because she always has something rude to say about my significant other). I cried reading it, yes, because it hurt a lot. He called me and was like “how do you feel now.” I informed him that those names didn’t hurt me as much as seeing him with someone else, and that “he didn’t know how much it hurt.” He informed me that “I didn’t know how much it hurt, not the other way around. He knew that it hurt, but me calling him names and saying our relationship wasn’t worth it, dumping me, etc. hurt.” I asked him how his feelings could randomly change in 2 hours, and bitched about that until he informed me that “they didn’t.” And then I gave him an example and asked how he would feel if I did that to him. “I told you and him that if you wanted to be together, to just tell me,” were his exact words.  So I repeated the same words to him and he informed me that “he wasn’t going to stay with her.” I was super confused at this point in time, like any other person would be, especially in that situation. Until he finally informed me that he knew it would piss me off, and he knew that she liked him and figured “he should give her a chance.” Shady, right? I asked him if he knew approximately how bad it hurt, and he just repeated the same thing to me that he had before, that other things hurt worse. The conversation was heartfelt, and sincere, apologizing about things that happened in the past, and then him talking about how he had feelings for his baby momma, but he didn’t act on them. I asked him if he still had feelings for me, he said yes. I asked him if he just was going to do the same and not act on them, and he said “not exactly.” The entire reason that we broke up was because I was like “I’m not perfect, and it seems like you want perfect.” He told me he couldn’t handle my insecurities, and if I changed, we’d get back together. Of course, every girl has their insecurities and I know I’m self-confident, and I tried to explain that, but it didn’t work. I guess this was his point of trying to make to me that he KNEW I had self confidence, and it would help me express my feelings by making ME feel the way that I sort of made him feel. I’m not an idiot, and I knew that if you were truly in love with someone like he seemed to be, that you didn’t just not have feelings after all that. The conversation went on with what was generally happening in our lives, and the end of our conversation went something along the lines of “goodnight Kaitlin” “goodnight” “I love you.” And my heart just kind of melted at that point.

He didn’t text me good morning, which made me doubt it, etc. Of course, I’m STILL doubting all of this, because it seemed so surreal what happened, and I’m not sure if he’s willing to hurt someone that he said was his “best friend.” Fuck my feelings right now, but I can’t help but be all up in them today. Especially since I got 5 hours of sleep, and am running on probably 13 hours from the entire weekend, and I have class until 5 today. I need a nap severely.

So in all complete honesty, I guess I’m just trying to be okay. By any means am I happy right now, and I have nothing that could possibly make me happy. Yeah, that sounds depressing from any point of view, but it’s so true. I have no idea what I’m doing here at this school. Trying to be successful should be anybody’s answer, but I have no idea what I want to do for life, so why would I try to be successful at something that I have no idea about? I feel sick to my stomach right now, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It makes me sick just being so tired and crying myself to sleep every night because I’m just not happy with my life. I wish I was, because life could be SO much worse from any perspective, and I just sound like a whiny little bitch, but it’s so true. Yes, the compilations of this have been brought on by me being dumped, quitting my job, and not being able to figure out, AT ALL, how to do my math homework. (Should I mention that I’m in the idiot math class? Because I find that a necessary point to add that I have no idea how to do idiot math.) I just want to sleep, and that’s all I really want to do right now. Since my roommates “studying” has brought her coming back to the room at 2 AM after I just cried my eyes out and felt like I literally wanted to die. I couldn’t breathe, and I could have given a care less as to if I could or not, because I’m unhappy.

Now it’s not like I’m deprived or anything, but I know that in the end, this college is going to break me. Just the fact that there are about 40 Macs in the vicinity that I’m in, I think, proves that it’s a place for rich people, or people that are “ethnic” because they’re here (almost for free) on scholarships, and yes, I KNOW THIS FOR A FACT. I’m not smart, by any means. I barely got by in high school, and I rarely studied (because I don’t know how to legitimately study that it would help me learn). But anyways, I don’t really know what else to type.

Aside from the fact that I feel like complete ass, I’m just unhappy with life. I’m unhappy with the way that things are going, and they don’t seem to be looking up anytime soon. I was already stressed out enough, and this is just piling onto the stress, and sometimes an overload of stress builds someone to their breaking point, and I’ve definitely hit mine.

(and whoever said that Macs don't have right-click is clearly an idiot since I JUST used it to copy and paste this bullshit since they don't have keyboard commands |:)

So today has probably been one of the least eventful days that I have ever experienced. Other than those days where the power goes out and you physically can't do anything.

I finally worked out today, for the first time in almost ever (the first time in a legitimate gym) and it wasn't all to bad. I guess I made it out to be worse than it was, but the elliptical just wasn't my friend. It wasn't like a legit elliptical, it was like half stair stepper and you had to do it exactly right, and my calves were dying after about five minutes of confusion. I was only there for 30 minutes, but hell, I guess it's a start.

Other than that, I came back to my dorm, sat on my bed sweaty as hell reading this girls post about how her boyfriend died and they were listening to "God Gave Me You," the last time they saw each other. It reminded me of my previous relationship, and I started bawling my eyes out, wanting everything back, and just frankly wanting to die. Dying, although, would be the worst alternative to that situation. Being the fact that we just studied different types of that in class today.

I feel like I shouldn't be bored, but I am. Having a job at Wal-Mart legitimately overwhelmed me whenever I started there, because I clearly had too much homework. But I guess now I have all the opportunity to finish my homework, which reminds me I need to finish my resume.

So far, no furthur situations have happened revolving my current boy situation, even though I wish it had. Of course, the situation with the person's boyfriend dying reminded me of him, and I thought I had to inform him of that and then got disappointed whenever he never responded. (His defense? He was "at work.") Aiight, k. Because I've worked where he's supposed to be working, and I had to fill out a bunch of computer stuff with nobody else in the room, and texted almost the entire time. Not to mention that's mainly what I did at work as well, because nobody ever came into that store. That's what you get for making too many of the same store in a small-ish town. In fact, this town is bigger than that town, and I don't think there's as many here as there is there.

On another subject, I really don't know what to talk about as of right now. I'll probably continue this tomorrow whenever my boredom kicks me to the success center to wait to walk all the way to my class in the Engineering building (that's all the way across campus). So I've decided that going all the way back to my dorm isn't worth sweating that much to get there. In my defense, the humidity in this state is getting to almost everybody.

So I haven’t done one of these in a long time, almost over a month, and a lot of stupid crap has gone on in this amount of time.

I started college, and quite honestly, I don’t know why I’m here. I go to one of “the most liberal colleges in our state” as my dad calls it, and I already know that he doesn’t like that I attend school here. It is really expensive, and as of right now it’s really stressful. I thought it would be really exciting to have a roommate and all that good stuff, but I got to learn the hard way that it isn’t fun at all. My roommate was rushing whenever I got there. She wanted to join a sorority and be with her friends, etc. So she was never there during the day, and the rest of my floor (expect for the PA) were rushing. So I literally had nobody to talk to. My birthday was also the day after I moved in, and I wanted to go do something with one of my good friends and her roommate and my roommate. My roommate had other plans, and decided that she was going to go party instead (as seeing as I hadn’t even met her but less than twenty four hours before. Also, not to mention, that I felt like complete and utter crap whenever I got up here, so I wanted to do nothing but sleep all day.

One of my friends who I went to school with and also came up to school here came into my dorm and brought me a cupcake, which was amazing, and talked with me for a little while. Then my friend that I was supposed to go do things with came and we went out to eat (since we know this town kind of well growing up just thirty minutes away from it.) We were supposed to attend a concert, but decided against that and just went to the movies instead. I also went to go see a dickwad, but that’s a completely different story.

I was also supposed to transfer to a new job whenever I got up here. I worked at Wal-Mart over the summer, and they explained to me that I could continue working at one of the stores where I was going to college. I was thrilled because I have the minimum amount of hours that it takes to be a full-time college student, and didn’t think it would be that difficult. Little did I know, that since I came in as almost a sophomore, my classes would be a lot more difficult than most people who were in my class were taking. I had homework every day. I went to work once, and informed her that I literally could not do it, and she was a complete bitch about it.

Then there’s a boyfriend situation. Long story short: he’s not my boyfriend anymore. He thinks that I have no confidence in myself and “he’s just not attracted by that.” I’m sorry that I was utterly stressed out about everything in my life and had nobody to turn to aside from him because nobody else really understood and would listen to me bitch about my stupid problems. He was “unhappy with my decision to quit my job,” and “he was done.” It hurts like a bitch whenever somebody tells you that they’re done with you on one of your most stressful times in your life. Yeah, he had dumped me and such before, but it was nothing near this time. The time before, he took me back because he basically just wanted to go to prom with me. Part of me thinks that there’s some other girl, and the other part of me thinks that he just wasn’t happy, because I wasn’t exactly what he wants. There’s nothing wrong with me as a person, and I understand that about myself, but after being hurt so many times by a number of people, you start to see yourself as a person who isn’t worth it to anybody. I guess I should just accept that about myself.

So here I am, jobless, boyfriendless, and basically friendless. My roommate comes into the room every night at the earliest 2 AM, and I can’t get sleep worth any shit. I made friends with some people, but it’s hard to be like “OH HEY, LET’S GO DO SOMETHING” with somebody that you barely know and probably thinks you’re a complete hermit. I would go and work out (being my school has “the top rec center in the states”) but I still feel like shit, and nothing that the doctor is giving me is helping.

I want to explain everything to my parents, but I literally just DON’T KNOW HOW TO. I want them to be happy for me, and me coming home every weekend (so far) makes me feel like they’re really unhappy with me. Not to mention the fact that I’ve probably walked a cumulative of about 6 miles since I’ve been here being the fact that the walk to my car is a mile in itself. It doesn’t feel like that long of a walk whenever it’s gorgeous outside and you can frolic through the grass, but whenever it’s humid and you’re sweating just walking out the door, it feels like it takes your entire life just to get to one class.

Currently, I’ve decided that it can be my new thing to do other things instead of walking all the way back to my dorm and then walking back to BFE to one of my classes less than an hour later. Of course, I’m sitting here in the “success center” about to fall asleep, but I guess everyone takes the unhealthy lifestyle every once in awhile, and “wants to protect their hair.” In my case, I want to protect my chest from hurting and inhaling water, as seeing as I’ve inhaled already too much for my liking.

I know this sounds like a complete mope session, but that’s all that I can seem to do right now. I don’t really have anything to be happy about at the moment, and I just want something to be happy about. I want someone to be there to support me like they were, because according to a guys perspective: It doesn’t matter if you spend 8 months of your life and give someone a promise ring, it’s so easy to flush it all down the toilet and not give a damn about the person’s life. They say they want to ‘be friends’ with you, but that’s like telling a little kid that their goldfish died, but they can still keep it. Nobody really understands until they’re in your shoes, and the moment that you say you and someone broke up, they always say “well, you deserve better.” That phrase in itself is the situation that I’m completely trying to avoid, and I’m hoping that it just blows itself over in a matter of weeks so I can stop crying myself to sleep every night. Whenever I GET to sleep, that is.

SO. I was thinking today about a bunch of stuff. Whether this be for myself, so be it, or if anyone else reads it, no fucks will be given. 


1: I seriously adore Michael Phelps, and any swimmer for that matter (especially Ryan Lochte). I admire their dedication to be in the water that long, for obvious reasons, and for maintaining that kind of physiq. It's obviously not that hard for guys, but all swimmers have rockin' bodies. While I like to think that I'm a fish sometimes, I do not, however, have a rockin' body. 


2: I always seem to notice the nitty gritty about people. I'm a people watcher, and working in a high traffic store was PROBABLY not the best idea, being I judge almost everyone that comes through my line. I always happen to see bigger girls with either a) really ugly guys or b) rather large guys. Now I know the balance of power and yada yada, but my boyfriend is skinny and attractive, and while I like to think I'm attractive, I'm on the other side of skinny that people hate. I always think to myself as to why he's with me, and who in the world would want to be with someone like me. This girl at work goes "but you're pretty." I'm not gorgeous, by any means, so I want an explanation. BUT I can't get my explanantion because my boyfriend's gone. Not to mention he asked his MOTHER if I was exercising, and it really upset me, so I guess that's why my mind has been on this subject a lot because I'm upset. 


3: Why people are even thinking about voting for Obama again. Didn't we learn our lesson the first time? He has done nothing for our country, and the only reason that he got elected was because "he was black." He's barely black, for one stance. For two, we don't even think he was born here. He can't produce a birth certificate or a social security number under his name, and nobody cares? He could be a terrorist, and yet "nobody cares where he came from." Oh. Okay. He can go die in hell, ok bye.


4: Fucking food stamps. Some people use them wisely, and I understand that, but then there are the niggers, literal ones, that come in and buy half of the store. It'll be items such as Ramen, shrimp, crab legs, French Fries, Banquet chicken, ice cream, cream puffs, and a literal SHITLOAD of soda. I don't think that you need any of those things for your survival, whenever there's people living off of goods out of a garden and canned goods because that's all they can afford. While 86% of the people that come through the line with food stamps are black, 12% are white trash and 2% are people who get things that are manageable. I work with a lady and a daughter who get food stamps. The girl is going to the college I am attending in the fall, and the lady was bitching about how expensive college was, and then proceeded to tell me that she pays off the entire school year so her daughte wouldn't have to. That's because she pays 5,000 for her child's college, assumptionally told by her daughter, but the bitch works at walmart, so she probably has like 150 a month payments. NOW I WISH MY COLLEGE WAS THAT CHEAP. My parents don't have stellar jobs, BUT THEY HAVE JOBS, and I got 5,500 from FAFSA. In loans. NO grants, nothing. I know that girl didn't apply for any scholarships, because all she did in college was get drunk and informed me about how dumb as a stick she was... So I'd really like the lower income people to be made to pay the fcking same I do for college. Just because my parents aren't trashy, I get to pay almost all of my college back. Thanks, Obama. I'm middle class, and I'm not fucking prospering. BUT MY RANT ABOUT FOOD STAMPS STILL STANDS. Maybe where I live just passes them out like candy, but my sister couldn't get them and in her defense, she probably needed them. Her and her boyfriend had lost their jobs due to the business closing, she had JUST had a new baby, and two other kids. They were overqualified. I REST MY CASE, BITCHES.


5: Why everyone my age wants to get fucking married. I'm sorry, but after you've been dating 6 months, I don't think that means to just jump on the bandwagon and a) get pregnant or b) get married. This girl I went to high school with is getting married to her boyfriend of NOW seven months, and I'm 97% sure that her ring is fake. It's probably the size of a quarter, and her boyfriend does nothing for his life. K. I've been dating my boyfriend for seven months, and do you see me jumping on the bandwagon?! No. Because I'm not a fucking dipshit. AND I UNDERSTAND WITH THE BABIES PART THAT ACCIDENTS HAPPEN, but there's a 16 year old couple in our town that's having their 3rd baby. What a gr8 way to spend my tax money on your free housing and food stamps and daycare. Crackers. 


ugh. Today I'm just pissed, and have a headache, and I don't like vodka. kbye.