So I haven’t done one of these in a long time, almost over a month, and a lot of stupid crap has gone on in this amount of time.

I started college, and quite honestly, I don’t know why I’m here. I go to one of “the most liberal colleges in our state” as my dad calls it, and I already know that he doesn’t like that I attend school here. It is really expensive, and as of right now it’s really stressful. I thought it would be really exciting to have a roommate and all that good stuff, but I got to learn the hard way that it isn’t fun at all. My roommate was rushing whenever I got there. She wanted to join a sorority and be with her friends, etc. So she was never there during the day, and the rest of my floor (expect for the PA) were rushing. So I literally had nobody to talk to. My birthday was also the day after I moved in, and I wanted to go do something with one of my good friends and her roommate and my roommate. My roommate had other plans, and decided that she was going to go party instead (as seeing as I hadn’t even met her but less than twenty four hours before. Also, not to mention, that I felt like complete and utter crap whenever I got up here, so I wanted to do nothing but sleep all day.

One of my friends who I went to school with and also came up to school here came into my dorm and brought me a cupcake, which was amazing, and talked with me for a little while. Then my friend that I was supposed to go do things with came and we went out to eat (since we know this town kind of well growing up just thirty minutes away from it.) We were supposed to attend a concert, but decided against that and just went to the movies instead. I also went to go see a dickwad, but that’s a completely different story.

I was also supposed to transfer to a new job whenever I got up here. I worked at Wal-Mart over the summer, and they explained to me that I could continue working at one of the stores where I was going to college. I was thrilled because I have the minimum amount of hours that it takes to be a full-time college student, and didn’t think it would be that difficult. Little did I know, that since I came in as almost a sophomore, my classes would be a lot more difficult than most people who were in my class were taking. I had homework every day. I went to work once, and informed her that I literally could not do it, and she was a complete bitch about it.

Then there’s a boyfriend situation. Long story short: he’s not my boyfriend anymore. He thinks that I have no confidence in myself and “he’s just not attracted by that.” I’m sorry that I was utterly stressed out about everything in my life and had nobody to turn to aside from him because nobody else really understood and would listen to me bitch about my stupid problems. He was “unhappy with my decision to quit my job,” and “he was done.” It hurts like a bitch whenever somebody tells you that they’re done with you on one of your most stressful times in your life. Yeah, he had dumped me and such before, but it was nothing near this time. The time before, he took me back because he basically just wanted to go to prom with me. Part of me thinks that there’s some other girl, and the other part of me thinks that he just wasn’t happy, because I wasn’t exactly what he wants. There’s nothing wrong with me as a person, and I understand that about myself, but after being hurt so many times by a number of people, you start to see yourself as a person who isn’t worth it to anybody. I guess I should just accept that about myself.

So here I am, jobless, boyfriendless, and basically friendless. My roommate comes into the room every night at the earliest 2 AM, and I can’t get sleep worth any shit. I made friends with some people, but it’s hard to be like “OH HEY, LET’S GO DO SOMETHING” with somebody that you barely know and probably thinks you’re a complete hermit. I would go and work out (being my school has “the top rec center in the states”) but I still feel like shit, and nothing that the doctor is giving me is helping.

I want to explain everything to my parents, but I literally just DON’T KNOW HOW TO. I want them to be happy for me, and me coming home every weekend (so far) makes me feel like they’re really unhappy with me. Not to mention the fact that I’ve probably walked a cumulative of about 6 miles since I’ve been here being the fact that the walk to my car is a mile in itself. It doesn’t feel like that long of a walk whenever it’s gorgeous outside and you can frolic through the grass, but whenever it’s humid and you’re sweating just walking out the door, it feels like it takes your entire life just to get to one class.

Currently, I’ve decided that it can be my new thing to do other things instead of walking all the way back to my dorm and then walking back to BFE to one of my classes less than an hour later. Of course, I’m sitting here in the “success center” about to fall asleep, but I guess everyone takes the unhealthy lifestyle every once in awhile, and “wants to protect their hair.” In my case, I want to protect my chest from hurting and inhaling water, as seeing as I’ve inhaled already too much for my liking.

I know this sounds like a complete mope session, but that’s all that I can seem to do right now. I don’t really have anything to be happy about at the moment, and I just want something to be happy about. I want someone to be there to support me like they were, because according to a guys perspective: It doesn’t matter if you spend 8 months of your life and give someone a promise ring, it’s so easy to flush it all down the toilet and not give a damn about the person’s life. They say they want to ‘be friends’ with you, but that’s like telling a little kid that their goldfish died, but they can still keep it. Nobody really understands until they’re in your shoes, and the moment that you say you and someone broke up, they always say “well, you deserve better.” That phrase in itself is the situation that I’m completely trying to avoid, and I’m hoping that it just blows itself over in a matter of weeks so I can stop crying myself to sleep every night. Whenever I GET to sleep, that is.